I decided one day to schlep off to Egypt for a weekend. The twins needed to do a world history report on another country, so I figured this would be a fun way for them to learn. I had the money for it because my grandma always sends me a set amount per month and since I wasn’t paying for a whole bunch of kids at once, I could have some extra fun with them.
I was a little worried about Evangeline, though. “Hon, don’t go off on your own exploring. Stick with Tia if you do explore.”
“No butts. I don’t want you getting lost.”
“If anyone’ll get lost, it’s butt-face. She has no sense of direction or adventure.”
“Didn’t I just tell you ‘no butts’?”
“Besides, I’m a waaay better genie than but – Tia! I can use my powers to vanquish mummies and teleport through locked doors!”
“That’s not how genie powers work, sweetie.”
“What do you know about it? You’re no genie.”
“Unhhhh…” Tia moaned, stretching her arms out to brush against Evangeline’s back.
“AAAAAAH MUMMY!” Evangeline screeched.
Tatiana burst into giggles and Evangeline blushed. “You’re not even a real mummy. I was just practicing to scare YOU,” she muttered.
“Suuure you were, snot-hat.”
While the two of them argued, I’d found another fellow tourist. He said his name was Milos Calabrese, which I promptly forgot and henceforth referred to him in my head as Mid-Life Crisis. He did have pretty coloring, though.
“Ewww, who’s the old fat guy?” asked Evangeline.
“Eva!” snapped Tia. “Be nice! We shouldn’t call him ‘old fat guy’ to his face, just in private.”
“Yeeeah, like I’d listen to you, butt-face.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sorry about my kids.”
“It’s cool. They’re just kids, right? I like kids.”
“Ever seen magic, Eva, is it? I bet you like magic. Don’t you like reading about fairy princesses and sweet witches and all that sort of thing?”
“That’s nothing, Fatty. Check MY magic out!”
“Ehehehe,” the twins giggled.
“Good distraction, Eva,” Tia said.
“Thanks. I’m just naturally distracting, it’s a gift. Your scary noises could do with some work though. You need to stop laughing so much.”
“Says the girl who nearly peed herself.”
Mid-Life Crisis covered his face with his hands.
“Geeeez, dude, are you crying?” asked Tia. “It was just a joke.”
“I’m not crying,” he mumbled. “I just…have sand in my eyes.”
“Sure you do. Wimp.”
I came back from unpacking our tent to find Mid-Life Crisis looking pretty beset-upon. Maybe it was a bad idea to leave my twins alone with a possible baby-daddy.
“Mommy!” Tia said in a stage-whisper. “Eva and I just pulled the most awesome prank and that dude started crying! What a big old baby!”
“So um, what brings you to Egypt?” said the man to Eva, trying to sound put-together.
“We’re gonna enslave mummies and sic them on old fat guys like you,” Eva answered.
“And all I did was make like a scary monster!” added Tia. “That guy is as easy to scare as Eva is!”
“All right, that’s enough, Tia,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “Why don’t you and Eva go explore for a bit?” I was hoping they would work off their energy and maybe bond over something else besides scaring poor Mid-Life Crisis.
“Do we have to?” Tia asked.
“Yes. You have homework, after all. Go on, skedaddle.”
There was a fenced-off area not far from camp, but the gate wasn’t locked so it was probably to keep animals out. The girls wandered into the building, and that was the last I saw of them with my physical eyes for a while. Of course, I’m always watching with my inner eye.
“We should totally lock the dude up in here!” said Tia. “It’s dark and spooky and we could jump him and make like ghosts and mummies and spiders!”
“Yeah…maybe later,” said Eva. “I wanna explore.”
“Don’t look now, but there’s a skeleton over here,” Eva said.
“You’re pulling my leg. There’s no skeletons. And to prove it, I’m not gonna look. Really, I’m not!”
“Oooh, money! I’M RICH!”
“Hey, snot-hat, I’m here too. I get half just for showing up.”
“Yeah, right. Find your own treasure.”
“Damn, these doors are really locked. I thought my genie magic would open them but nothing’s happening. Tia, c’mere. Our combined magic should get them open.”
“Yeeeah, that’s not gonna work. Mommy says genie magic doesn’t work like that. Can we go now? There’s nothing else around.” I think Tia was starting to get scared.
“I guess. We gotta find the key anyways. I don’t think it’s down here; what kind of idiot would leave the key in the same place as the locked door?”
“Someone who’d lost – nevermind. Let’s go. I bet the key is aboveground somewhere. Or maybe we could learn to lock pick.”
“I wouldn’t mind knowintg how to lock pick. Yeah, let’s go.”
“Butt-face? You coming or not?”
“There really is a skeleton down here! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIIIE!”
“I’m just gonna leave you down here with the skeleton then.”
“Nononono, wait for me!”