136. Santa’s Little Helper

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My luck ran out with my apple trees on the next full moon. This zombie stripped this tree and later another stripped the other when I wasn’t looking.

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My peashooter shot her full of invisible peas.

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At least the peashooter works as a revenge tool, if not a preventive tool.

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“I need some invisible elves to guard my trees.  What’s the good of being a fairy if I don’t have any elvish friends?”

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“You need an elf?”

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I jumped and dropped the dead tree and my umbrella.  “Who the Berry are you?”

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He caught me.  “Why, I’m Claus!  Not to be confused with the great Santa Claus, though I do work for him.”

“You work for Santa Claus?”

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“Yes!  I am one of his elves, born to work in his workshop until I grow too old to place a bow just right and draw an arrow on an instruction manual.”

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“You do realize it’s a bit early for Santa, don’t you?  It’s only autumn.”

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“Oh, I know.  But when someone calls for an elf, I am delegated to answer!  So, what is it you wanted?  A dance with a tree?  A wrapped up zombie for one of your children?  A pea-sized spoon to throw baseballs with?”

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“Uh, no.”

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“AAAH!  YOU DON’T NEED ME FOR ANYTHING!  WHY WAS I CREATED?  MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN RUINED BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED ME!”

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“Look, I’m cold, wet, and you scared the Berry out of me.  Why don’t you come inside and I’ll see if I can find something for you to do.”  Hey, I wasn’t going to get rid of an elf!

“Oh, thank you, Elena!  Thank you, Elena’s lovely shoes!  I will not disappoint!”

“Great.”

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“It’s a pleasure to meet you.  May I say, you look skinnier than all the other models I’ve ever seen?”

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“I JUST REALIZED YOU’RE A DEAD MODEL!  THIS IS THE HOUSE OF CRAZY!”

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Oh.  My.  Waffles.  This is the house of crazy?  Do I want to know what Santa’s workshop is like?  Is he even from Santa’s workshop?  I hope he doesn’t scare the twins.

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“It’s okay, Claus has got you.  I’ll keep you away from the dead model.”

“You smell blood,” said Yoshi.

“No, I don’t smell like blood.  I smell like a wet elf!”

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I changed to warm up and dry off.

“Have you seen a man running around screaming nonsense?” I asked the nursery at large.

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“No, but I’ll keep my eyes open.  Say, you like my clothes?  I magicked them here from the South Pole!”

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“Don’t you mean the North Pole?”

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“No!  The South Pole is where the clothes all the old people get are made.  The North deals strictly with toys and pets!  And the occasional lemon.”

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“Lemon?”

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“Yes, lemons!  You know, the things people get squirted in the face with if they’ve been naughty!”

“I don’t think most Sims do that.”

“It is not something the Sims do!  We elves sneak into the houses of the naughty Sims at night and squirt them while they are sleeping!”

“That sounds creepy.”

“It’s no worse than what Santa does.”

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“I am supposed to tell you my last name as well as my first.  It is part of our policy.  People always laugh when I tell them.  Will you?”

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“I’ll try not to.”

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“My name is Claus Bloopenhooper.”

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I couldn’t help it.  I snorted.  Then I dissolved into giggles and couldn’t stop.  “Bloo-pen-hoo-hoo-hoo!

“I knew you would laugh!  Thank you!  I love how I make everyone laugh!”

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“You’re…welcome!” I said as I finally calmed down.  His crazy had gotten to me.  I moved closer to him.  “Mr. Bloopenhooper, I’ve thought of a way for you to help me.”

“Oh, how?”

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“I have a personal challenge to have a hundred children.  Could you give me an early Christmas present?”

“I would have to talk to the boss…”

“Not that kind of Christmas present!”

“Oh!  You mean you would like children?  Easily done.  I did the same thing for a witch who lives here.  She wanted triplets, so I gave them to her.”

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“I’ll take whatever number you give me.  Come on!”

“You’re even more eager for a Christmas miracle than she was.”

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“You will love your gift.”

“You already gave me part of it.  The fun is half the reason I do this.”

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Then Aston appeared behind Claus.

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“THERE’S A GOD-CHILD THAT’S GOING TO EAT ME AND MY AWESOME PANTS!”

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Aston went out after him and a moment later I smelled smoke.

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“Where’s the fire?”

He shrugged and walked off.

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“Vampire, get out of the sun.  You’re smoking.”

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“I am not a vampire!  I am an elf!  I am also not an alien!”

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“I see you’ve got some issues to resolve about being a vampire.  But that’s no reason to let yourself roast to death.  As much as I would like you to leave and not come back, this is not the way to do it.”  Cam grabbed his arm and dragged him inside.

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“I feel alive again!  The violet saved me from the god-child and his fiery fires!  All praise the violet!”

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“He cray-cray.”

“True dat.”

4 thoughts on “136. Santa’s Little Helper

    • Ahaha, yes, it was Bonehilda. I was half-tempted to stuff her into her coffin until I got rid of him, but then I realized they actually worked for his personality. And thanks! I spent more time than I should have making his face. Glad it paid off.

  1. LOL. Claus is something else. I’ll remember the “dead model” when he meets Cece. She’ll have a Bonehilda too. And yes.. Claus is Cray Cray lol

    • I love writing Claus. He reminds me a ton of what I used to do in a roleplay. It was basically filled with characters like Claus. He’ll probably need to be locked in a room without Bonehilda. A padded room. Just so Cece can whoo him. XD

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